Love Is Stupid
In February 2015, I was starting to recover from the breakup of a long term relationship. During the fallout of the breakup my outlet became structure, discipline and flexibility training which had effectively turned me into an uninspired, anti-social robot. None of these things were what I wanted to be! I needed to shake things up. I decided it was time for me to get back out into the dating world.
I was absolutely not interested in anything serious. I just wanted to meet new people, to flirt and swap stories. I needed to feel desirable. Honestly, more than anything I just needed to get the hell out of my apartment! With the help of trusty OKCupid I set up a couple of dates and they were exactly what I had hoped for.
Fascinating New Person + Leaving Apartment + Wearing Clean Clothes = +10 Confidence!
It was a perfect and predictable equation... until I met someone a little too fascinating.
Sparks. So much smiling my face hurt. All sense of time was lost. I wasn't ready for it but I was hit with infatuation right from the start and my world was upside down all over again.
Fascinating New Person + Leaving Apartment + Wearing Clean Clothes + Sparks = WTF?!?!
The equation didn't make sense anymore and, as a logical person who was looking to keep things simple, that pissed me off. Growing feelings for someone was a complication I hadn't expected and it was a nuisance that wasn't about to go away.
Soon after the date, during a training session, I heard my phone's text notification. My phone was in the kitchen and I had a strict no-phone training policy... yet somehow I found myself in the kitchen, eagerly checking my text inbox.
It wasn't him.
I was angry with myself for breaking my rhythm for the sake of a text. I put my phone down, went back to training and a couple minutes later it went off again... I tried to hold out but I couldn't. I had to check. This time it was him!
I'm not positive but I may have actually squealed with joy. I know for certain that I did some sort of stupid happy dance and then stood in my kitchen smiling like an idiot at an empty wall for at least ten minutes before replying. I am also certain that this entire cycle repeated itself twice and that no training actually got done.
My structure and discipline were broken. This was a problem.
I messaged a friend of mine to explain the problem that I was having and ask for her advice which went something like this:
Me: "I don't understand what's happening to me. I've become stupid. I'm illogical. I can't think."
Friend: "Yeah. That's love."
Me: "But I don't like what it's doing to me. What do I do about it?"
Friend: "Nothing. You're fucked man."
I see similarities to zombie bites...
Then came the choice. I could bail now and go back to my robot-like structure or I could take a gamble on this "feelings" stuff. With a strong sense of scientific curiosity, I chose to gamble.
In the height of love I once scaled a balcony to settle a debate about what constituted a milkshake. Another time I went to give morning kisses to a pillow I mistook for my partner who wasn't there then (barely conscious but thoroughly pissed) threw it across the room for betraying me. I recently fell asleep in front of friends while cuddling up to picture on my iPad of my partner who I hadn't seen in weeks (probably never going to live that down).
Love makes us stupid.
There are love stories throughout history. Palaces have been built, wars have been waged, royalty have given up their thrones, priceless art has been made... all in the name of love. A force to be reckoned with, it creates and destroys.
Love throws a wildcard into the game and creates chaos.
But honestly... what is life without a healthy dose of chaos? Chaos challenges us, forces us to grow and to be creative. In the case of my date-gone-horribly-right, I gained a lot. My partner is an incredible human being who I am grateful and proud to have in my life. It reignited my sense of adventure, rekindled my inspiration and it made me stronger.
At a glance, love almost seems too complicated to bother with but it comes to us so naturally. It's incredible that something that can cause so much joy can also cause just as much pain. Yeah, love really does make us stupid but it also teaches us many things. At the end of the day, love is a smart pursuit.
And anyways... it's OK to be an idiot from time to time.
"To a coward, courage always looks like stupidity." - Bill Maher
-Lindsay Istace